I am an atheist.
Up until a matter of weeks ago, I was unable to string those four words together in that order. There was no doubt that I was an atheist, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It sounded fake. All day long I live, act, and speak as a Christian, hearing about the evils of atheism. I’m so dishonest with everyone I come in contact with, save for my loving atheist boyfriend, that when I’m alone I can barely be honest with myself. “What are you?” he would ask me when everyone was out of earshot. “Say it. You’re not a Christian. You don’t have to lie.”
I eventually swallowed my disgust with myself and mustered a whisper: “I’m…an atheist.” Being nearly impossible to admit does not make this statement any less true. Going to an oppressively Christian private college does not make it any less true. Attending mandatory chapel services does not make it any less true. Bowing my head for prayers before classes does not make it any less true. Being a part of a resolutely Lutheran family and coming to church every time I come home does not make it any less true.
In fact, these circumstances make my atheism stronger. The more I learn about the bible and Christian theology, the more flaws I find and the more I want to learn about my own beliefs. Being forced to act like a Christian and outwardly accept what everyone believes simply adds fuel to the flame of my atheistic fervor.
The only problem is that I only know one atheist other than myself. I have almost no outlet for my discoveries or my questions. I hope that this blog acts as a way for me to go from being a rogue atheist to a member of a community of individuals who are either in a situation similar to my own or who were brave enough to be able to come out. I intend to share my experiences and discoveries with you as I make my way through works of atheistic literature, learn more about natural science, and form my own opinions and lifestyle choices based on my beliefs.